Monday, November 14, 2011

Speedo facts of life...

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For Good, For Bad, Let's Have a Look at Europe's Fascination with the Speedo 

European men love their Speedos. Especially the middle aged generation. Apparently they never got the memo that Speedos are highly unflattering on the vast majority of males. But are the men really to blame? After seeing couple, after couple, sun bathing and swimming together while on vacation, I had to wonder, why on earth would a wife in her right mind allow her husband to go out in public wearing the ever unsightly banana hammock, as we called them as children? Speaking of children, might I suggest hiding them should your family run into one of these lovelies at a beach this summer. 
Picture source HERE
Not all that long ago, most swimming facilities in Europe actually only allowed men to swim if they were wearing a Speedo. Anything else was not considered appropriate swimwear. But the times, they are a changing, and I have never been more grateful! In fact, a popular water park in Britain has banned Speedos all together, releasing this statement: "While women may hail the return of the skimpy bathers, the style itself is not deemed public or family friendly, and therefore we are requesting that male swimmers wear more appropriate styles such as board shorts." Hooray! The same company also offers waxing services for their male customers.
Every single time we ventured to a beach, pool, or lake during our Euro road trip, or even just relaxing at the campground, I found myself surrounded by Speedo adorned men. If you think being surrounded by scantily clad men for two weeks sounds exciting, think again. There are very few men who can actually pull off the Speedo look, and unfortunately, those men were not hanging out anywhere near the same spots we were.
My brain just can not grasp why so many European men enjoy wearing the Speedo. I find them totally feminine and reminiscent of bikini bottoms or panties. I feel like they put everything on display, and not in a good way, especially if you are swimming in a cold, refreshing body of water. Hello shrinkage!* And in my opinion, they do absolutely nothing for the male backside, and only draw unwanted attention to long, thin, pale, chicken leg types.
I debated on whether or not to use the term shrinkage, but since Seinfeld dedicated an entire episode to the unfortunate phenomenon, I felt it was ok.While I tried my best to avert my eyes from all of the Speedos on display, they are nearly impossible to miss. In fact, I was rather taken aback by all of the different varieties of Speedos that are out there. Since it did not feel appropriate for me to snap photos of them all, I took the liberty of spending this rainy, grey morning searching Google images, in order to give you lucky blog readers of mine an idea of what I experienced on vacation. Beware, what you are about to witness is not always pleasant, but you will be rewarded if you make it to the end.
First up, I give you what I find to be the most horrific style of Speedo there is. The high cut Speedo. I am not sure how any man on the face of this earth could have a desire to wear this contraption. It appears to me to be an incredibly stressful environment for one`s package to be locked up in. 

This look does not even flatter the rich and famous. Sorry Rod Stewart. 
Picture source HERE.  
Perhaps Rod started a trend with the high cut, orange Speedo. 
Picture source HERE.
I just gave you the worst type of Speedo known to man, so it would only be fair to show you the best. Let me remind you, there is no such thing as a good Speedo (minus the few exceptions at the end of this post, if you make it that far), but there is one style that is the lesser of the evils. While it is still horrible, I find it to be the most figure friendly. The full coverage Speedo. The guy on the right in the photo above is demonstrating this style, and here is another example below. You can thank me later. 
Picture source HERE.
Next, we have the ever popular and timeless solid black Speedo. Black is a very slimming color, as we all know, but I have to wonder, is the area a Speedo covers actually an area meant to be slimmed down or made to look smaller? Do guys choose black to disguise, as women often do? Or do they choose it to match all of the hairiness, like the man pictured below.
Picture source HERE
Not even ex body builders, like Arnold, can rock it. 
Picture source HERE.
Not all guys opt for the chic, slimming benefits of a black Speedo. I was witness to a wide variety of colors, including the ever masculine pink with gold trim and purple with silver trim, while on vacation.
Save the neon Speedos for the wrestling ring, Hulk Hogan. 
Picture source HERE
The best of both worlds. Picture source HERE.
Going in the complete opposite direction, we have the Speedo that leaves nothing to the imagination. The white Speedo. As I was laying on my back, tanning myself at Lago di Caldero in Italy, I was lucky enough to open my eyes to find a man standing above me wearing the skimpiest, tightest, wet, white Speedo. He might as well have been naked. To go along with his interesting swimsuit, this middle aged bathing beauty had his tanned body greased up with oil, was rocking pierced nipples and a sweater vest of the chest hair variety. I wasn't long closing my eyes again.
Giorgio Armani, a successful, high end fashion designer, should know better. 
It looks like a wet diaper. Picture source HERE.
And let's not forget the extra special patterned and plaid Speedos.
That sexy stance really shows off that plaid. Picture source HERE
What was going through his head when he bought these heart printed Speedos. 
Picture source HERE.
Okay, I will spare you amazing blog readers now and end the bad Speedo photos here. I think you get my point. I am going to go out on a limb here, and assume most of you would agree, no man should ever wear a Speedo.

Unless... he is Daniel Craig ...or
Picture source HERE
...An Olympic Gold Medal winner like...
like Ryk Neethling
Picture source HERE
...Or you are being paid by Speedo to walk the runway in their product
Picture source HERE.
All the Speedo bashing aside, I think there is one important lesson women could learn from all of these Speedo sporting men - Bathing suit confidence. These men appear to throw any body image issues to the wind and strut around the beach like they own the place. It doesn't matter whether they are hairy or smooth, fat or thin, old or young, pale or tanned. Not only do they strut, but they do it with pride. And the best part, Speedos create minimal tan lines!
Just for the the helluvit...
Who says a guy has to be smooth to look good in a Speedo?
And I Reiterate...
But smooth and oiled up in a Speedo is good too.
Here are more celebs in speedos
...and most of them shouldn't be!
Except for David Beckham.
An early, mulleted incarnation of Donny Deutsch demonstrates the unbearable brightness of wearing trunks before briefs.
A young Harrison Ford A/K/A Han Speedo 
looking a bit scrawny.
Tom “C.O.” Jones frightens the children.
David Beckham, here in cancerous crimson, 
proves he can pull off 
just about anything clothing-wise.
Michael C. Hall (at least I think that's him) 
of Dexter & Six Feet Under fame looks pretty hot 
in his Navy blue speedos. (If it's not him, who cares?)
Summertime and the viewin' is easy!
Via Bodybuilding Pro
What has been seen...

...cannot be unseen.
 Image via I Can't watch is it over yet?
The ultimate Speedo with shoes and sox, no less!

What lies beneath… 

Guys without speedos 

Image via William Higgins
Vintage Beefcake
Images via Colt Studios
Casey Moran
Images via Colt Studios & Sexhound Links
Chad Hazzard
Images via Colt Studios & Sexhound Links
Samuel Vieira
Samuel Vieira
Click on the tumbnails below
Samuel VieiraSamuel VieiraSamuel VieiraSamuel VieiraSamuel VieiraSamuel VieiraSamuel VieiraSamuel Vieira
Images via Muscle Hunk
Rocco Martin
Click on the tumbnails below 

Images via Muscle Hunk
There's just something about a hunky guy in a yellow bathing suit that really floats my boat. Dunno what it is...N
Kurt Beckman
Click on the tumbnails below
Images via Muscle Hunk
See what I mean?
Image Via Just another Cub
Frank Defeo
Images via Muscle Hunk
Chris Cox & Valentin Petrov
Images via Extra Big Dicks 
Paging Dr. Finger
Click on the tumbnails below
Images via Hot House 
Poolside Fuck Fest
Click on the tumbnails below
Images Via Colt Studios
Liberally Fucked
Image via Naked Kombat
Here's something to hang on to.
Image Via Big Cash Society

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