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I'm so forward...

As a professional scribe, I write on just about any subject assigned to me from podiatry to social development. That doesn't make me an authority but it often puts me in the know about subjects I wouldn't have otherwise delved into. Of course, when it comes to L-O-V-E, everyone is an expert on the subject and everyone wants advice.

Recently, Gay Pages magazine, published in South Africa, commissioned me to write an article about relationships. They wanted something light and breezy and maybe a little funny but the piece also had to include practical advice. What I came up with is the feature below and it is sound counselling whether you're into girls, guys or both. So fasten your seat belts, kids, it may be a bumpy ride. Auntie Em is cleared for takeoff.

Image Via Queerty

So, he's just not that into you.

...Bummer!

To put it in song titles and ice cream flavours, true love never runs smooth and a lot of the time, it’s a truly rocky road. Finding Mister Right can be a daunting chore and you only find him after you’ve kissed a lot of toads. So let’s talk about the elephant in the room – those toads. Here’s a scenario we all can identify with because something like this has happened to every last one of us.

These are modern times, so let’s say you meet this dude on an online dating site. You chat a few times, send emails back and forth and maybe even speak on the phone. The vibe is flirty and easy going and he says “come on over.” You’re feeling rambunctious – and horny – and you take him up on his offer.

At first, you’re both nervous so you watch a movie – a regular flick – not porn. Of course, by the end of the evening the action has heated up and, after some spectacular dancing and gayety in the sheets, there’s lots of cuddling and you fall asleep together. Two nights later, he calls and it happens all over again. It feels like a real connection is happening here and you are walking on air.

Then a week goes by and he doesn’t call. When you see him on the chat and initiate contact, he is casual – almost cool – and when it’s time to sign-off, he doesn’t ask for another date. You’re down in the depths on the 90th floor. Was it your breath? Something you said? Something you did? Something you didn't do? No, probably not.

It could be he simply changed his mind. Maybe it was a “while the cat’s away, the mouse will play” situation and his partner is back from that big business trip to gay Parys. Perhaps he got a better offer. Or, he just might be a trophy hunter adding notches on his bedpost. But for whatever reason – due to no fault of your own – maybe he just wasn’t that into you. It happens and it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Now, all you can do is suck it up and steel yourself so it doesn’t happen again. The up-side is, there are numerous clear indicators that should set off the warning bells and flashing red lights inside your head. Here are the top ten.

1. He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out. If a man is excited about you, he won’t be able to stop himself. He’ll want more. On the other hand, if he’s not making a move, it’s not because he is shy or ‘scared’ of proceeding further. The only thing he is afraid of is how not attracted to you he is.

2. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you. – He says he didn’t have a minute in his busy day to call. Balderdash! The real reason is you are simply not on his mind. If a man allows you to expect he will call and then doesn’t follow through, then he won’t follow through on big things either. And, be aware the object of your affections will be quite okay with the idea he is disappointing you.

3. He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you. A guy who is really into you is going to want you all to himself. He is going to ask you on dates – lots of dates. He is going to want to be alone with you to see if you have a romantic future together.

4. He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you only when he’s drunk. This has to be the ultimate insult. If he only wants to see you, talk to you and have sex with you when he’s blitzed, it ain’t love – it’s just any old port in a storm.

5. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to commit to you. Every man you’ve dated who says he doesn’t want to settle down or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has ‘issues’ with commitment – will, rest assured, someday be paired off. It just won’t be with you.

6. He’s just not that into you if he has already broken up with you. But, hope always springs eternal. What could be better than hearing from the man who got away and he’s telling you he misses you madly? It’s so validating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. But resist, you must, with all your might. Unless he’s ready to get back together with you for good, he’s simply finding it difficult being alone, so don’t be a patsy.

7. He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you. When a man disappears there’s no mixed message. He’s made it clear he’s so not into you, that he couldn’t even bother to leave you a Post-it note. Don’t try to contact him. He’s not in hospital with amnesia. Just keep in mind, calling him will only give him another opportunity to reject you – and do you really need that?

8. He’s just not that into you if he’s your long-time partner and is no longer having sex with you. It’s true most relationships run into dry spells. But if it has been so long that you can sing Like a Virgin and mean it, you definitely have a problem. Guys – all guys – like sex. Usually, they can’t get enough of it. So, if your main squeeze doesn’t want to do the horizontal mambo with you, maybe it’s because he’s been bored into celibacy which is the opposite of being bored stiff. If no sex is better than having sex with you, then he’s not just disinterested; he’s not into you at all – figuratively and literally!

9. He’s just not that into you if he’s your partner and he works late or has copious excuses for not spending much time at home with you. Cheating doesn’t just ‘happen.’ It’s planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end the relationship. If he’s sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who isn’t into you, he is behaving like a man who doesn’t even like you very much.

10. He’s just not that into you if he’s married or otherwise hooked-up – or hands you any other variation on the theme of being unavailable. Unavailable is unavailable. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for this certain someone, if he cannot fully and honestly return them, then your feelings mean nothing.

So, what do you do if he’s just not that into you? Pull back. If he is into you at all, he will eventually reach out to you. Sometimes you have to withdraw in order for another to move forward. It might also be accurate to say he just isn’t into you at the moment – and this could be for any number of reasons, all unknown to you. It’s all about him not you, so quit fretting. You don't have to cry those tears of misery.

In the meantime, allow yourself to move on. Use that “withdrawing time” to look for someone else. You deserve to be in a situation where you and the object of your affections are crazy, wild, head-over-heels into each other and you both can let it grow from there.

Via Internet Debris